Part 29

One of the reasons I was very hesitant to start hormone treatment 7 months ago was the idea of it being a chemical castration of sorts. I’d saw The Imitation Game because I knew that it was about a man who had had chemical castration forced upon him, which had ultimately ruined his quality of life, resulting in his suicide. (Unfortunately I learned nothing from watching it, because the most important and interesting part of the well-acted story to me – what was done to him and how it affected him – was all but a brief footnote at the end of the film. I thought it a very disappointing waste of an opportunity to convey what horror had be imposed on a man who had saved so many, and expecting this to be a main theme of the movie, after nearly 2 hours with very little mentioned I would have renamed it The Irritation Game.)

Rant over, I remained fearful that testosterone blocker might ruin my quality of life. I loved sex, and with the testosterone pumping through my body during the time I was debating starting treatment, I imagined its loss would be something tragically life changing. I thought that if the scale of the sexual feelings I currently had should diminish, I would be miserable. After all sex feels damn damn good.

Well it certainly was life changing. The testosterone blocker had a very quick and noticeable physical effect, stopping my body producing semen over just days. The mental effects were more subtle. The decline in sex drive which I’d feared might happen did happen, but I found it far from the negative experience I was convinced it would be. My drive had certainly diminished. Rather than it being in the Always-On position where it had been, (but where I could turn it off if I wanted,) it now rested naturally in the Off position, yet I’m able to switch it on whenever I want! I hadn’t lost it; I’d just been given a much better, more user friendly dial for controlling it. Now when I choose to turn it on, I find that it’s just as pleasurable as it used to be, and with equal intensity, but I’m thankfully not led by it.

As you might know from previous posts I’m in a (currently) long distance relationship with my fiancé; he’s in England and I’m in Thailand, and we don’t get to see each other often at all during this period. The long distance thing is far tougher than I ever expected it to be, but I think if I wasn’t on oestrogen and testosterone blockers, with the sexual cravings I used to give in to (before I was attached), I’d find it so much more difficult. My physical needs have evolved to be more emotionally triggered than physically, in that I crave mainly to touch him, smell him and be near to him. Yes I want to do it like rabbits with him too but that’s a desire that I would enjoy oh so very much, rather than an absolute need.

I believe it’s made me a healthier, more responsible and stable person. One who certainly doesn’t take so many risks. My fiancée has undoubtedly played a major part in that transition, but before treatment and before being involved with him, I did occasionally engage in activities with people I did not know too well in order to satisfy a need within me which had to be met. I don’t have that need now. If I did, as I’m engaged, I would only be taking the matter in to my own hands (literally), but I’m quite sure the urge would be frustratingly powerful and require release.

So far it’s not been a chemical castration at all and everything still works just fine. Prior to starting treatment I had read one article which stressed that sexual arousal is more mental than physical, and if the desire is there, it’s likely to keep everything working just fine, which has proved so far to be the case. Separating truth from myth as far as transition goes is tough, with so many opinions to be found on line. Some things you read can unnecessarily scare you, as everybody’s experience with hormone treatment is vastly different and everyone’s body reacts on different time scales, with varying effect, reactions and success. You can read as much as you like, and get a good idea of what it might do for you, but until you start, try not to have too many expectations or fears.

Part 31