Things seem to be easing up a little and I’ve no need to beat myself up with guilt over having caused my parents pain with this anymore. In fact I’m having some quite long discussions with my mother over FaceTime about it and my father is taking it very well when I remind him each time he gets my name wrong, and jovially corrects himself.
One thing my Mum said was that she knows I’m a grumpy bugger who likes to complain and moan when things aren’t spot on (she’s quite right) and she worries that all I’m doing towards transition still won’t make me any happier. I could see her face instantly light up with relief when I told her that I already am a much happier person for all I’m doing and that the simple act of letting her and my Dad know who I am went a very long way towards that. It was from that point that she seemed to shrug off the gloomy cloud of negativity about my transition and every conversation from then on about it has been with an air of positivity and interest for what the future brings. My parents are very loving and protective people, and the change in attitude I see from them with the knowledge that what I’m doing is truly making me happy affirms their love and takes a huge weight off my shoulders. I know they still struggle with the possible increased difficulties I may face in life by going down this route – employability, prejudice, violence – as they will always be the family’s protectors and don’t want me to carry that weight, but society is changing. People are becoming less ignorant in this regard and haters will always find reason to hate.
I’m also getting more used to using Ashley as my full time myself now. Early last week it felt really good saying it aloud in a professional capacity. Up until that point, every time I’ve used it I’ve felt a tinge of embarrassment and have been explaining to customers with a tone of apology. It’s taking me getting used to it as well as everyone else in my life, but with everyone using it now, it’s feeling right; feeling natural.
I’ve never spelled out my transgender status to my customers at work (or my bosses), but one of my long time customers was introducing me to a friend of hers on 7th, and she said, this is Ashley…he….she is the General Manager here, and it really made me smile. I felt like she saw me without having to spell it out.
Still nothing really noticeable body-wise after 2 ½ months of estrogen and 1 ½ months of testosterone blockers, but I really think I’m looking far more feminine when I see myself in the mirror and I feel slight breast development. Nothing I can really put my finger on, but I definitely am, and a friend I’d not seen for a month said the same when we went out last weekend. I must start taking all my measurements weekly to see if there are any real changes.
I didn’t make any new year’s resolutions per se, but I am doing what I would have resolved to do anyway. Getting healthier and cutting down the drinking so that my body can better take on the estrogen as well as to ensure my developing boobs stick out further than my belly! I’m really enjoying the healthy eating – thanks sis for pointing me in the right direction on that – and despite a little blip Saturday night with a boozy night out with friends following a no-show of a flakey date (are guys in Bangkok all too scared to date a trans?) I’ve had a dry January, and don’t intend to drink anything for another month or so. Well, at my hospital appointment in December the doctor said that if my blood sugar was as bad again in March, she’d increase my diabetes pills. No thanks! So I’m doing all I can. I might even head out this evening for a brisk hour long walk round the lake!