WARNING contains very immature adult themes and language.

It’s always been a sport with me and my friends, which later extended to previously unapproving family, to reinvent words to songs, usually during trips as we had them playing in the car. The general rules were that it had to sound similar to the original where possible, had to maintain rhyme and must incorporate very immature and rude humour. Christmas was always a good opportunity for this, and with the season now upon us, I’m once again listening to Christmas songs in the car and being reminded of silliness of the years past. Here are a few of my old favs; the ones where I can no longer listen to the originals without smiling at the thought of the reinvented lyrics.

Mistletoe and Wine

Christmas time,

Vodka, beer and wine,

Children throwing up all the time,

With pets round the fire and crap on the floor

Time to despair and drink gallons more.

 The Christmas Song

And so I’m offering this simple phrase

Positions 1 to 92

Although you’ve had sex many times, many ways

Merry Christmas to you.

 12 Days of Christmas

5 sore rings,

4 boring turds,

3 French tarts,

2 turtle heads

Alan Partridge in a pear tree.

The Little Bummer Boy

A new born King to see,

Let’s rub him on the bum.

I have no gift to bring

so I rubbed him on the bum.

Then he smiled at me

When I rubbed him on the bum

I think I made him cum.


And that old favorite Japanese Christmas song:

As long as you love Miso, let it snow let it snow, let it snow.


There must be more, but that’s enough of  demonstration of my stupid sense of humour for now.