I’ve been feeling stupid again this last week, having serious doubts about what I’m doing taking hormones and blockers. I keep catching glimpses of my tall, bulky self in the mirror and thinking, “look at you; you’re a bloke….what are you hoping to achieve by this?”
One of the reasons I feel like this is because when I let myself act more femininely, it feels like an act and it makes me feel like an imposter. The reason I’m sure is that I’ve learned throughout my whole life to fit in to society as a man, which includes adopting certain mannerisms and ways of holding myself as other men around me do. I’ve never acted very butch or manly, but having a naturally large, muscular male body mixed with growing up with certain expectations means that feminine posture and movement isn’t something that comes instinctively. I will have to re-learn what’s developed in me over the years if I hope to come across femininely.
I’m questioning if I should actually learn to be more feminine acting, so as to compliment my body as it changes to look more feminine? My development/transition sits better with me when I approach it as an intention to blur the lines between femininity and masculinity; to be more androgynous in my daily appearance, but able to appear very feminine when the desire takes me. When I present as a man I’m not ultra-masculine, so why should I try to be ultra-feminine when I present as a woman in my daily routine?
One of the reasons I was able to decide to start this regime and embark on the process towards femininity was a realization that I’m not changing me, and I believe I shouldn’t try to. People in my life now and in the past who’ve known me as Ashley, both platonic and romantic, have commented that I’m quite obviously female regardless of my physical attributes, and that I don’t need to put on any kind of act of femininity for it to be quite evident.
I’ve identified my knee jerk reaction of, “Look at you – you’re a bloke…what are you doing?” as a response to not seeing any signs of physical change yet and a fear that maybe nothing will happen. After years of internal debate as to whether or not to take any action, and confession of my true self to friends and the public reading my blog, a part of me desperately wants to see changes having finally started the process. However, I only started the estrogen on September 30th and the blockers towards the end of October. Being diabetic, I’m on a low dosage so that body’s reaction to it can be safely observed, and there’s no way I should expect to see anything yet. Logically I know this, but now I’ve started I want something noticeable to happen. Once things do start to happen it is very likely that my attitude and approach will evolve with my body and I’m excited to see how I will feel.
Luckily I’m still seeing my counselor who helps me address my negativity as well as recognize the positive aspects of what I’m doing, and I invariably leave the session feeling positive about what I’m doing. For anyone going through this, whether under medical supervision or not, regular counseling is so incredibly helpful. Like me you might not know anyone in the same situation as you and having a professional to discuss issues with can keep you on course for your mental good health.