It’s Thursday 6th October, which is my 7th day of taking 1 estrogen pill daily after lunch. One day has very quickly turned into one week, which will soon become one month, and before I know it I’ll be years down this path, looking back at my blog posts here and remembering how nervous, scared and excited I was to be starting this.
As you might expect there are no physical changes yet and there are unlikely to be until a few months in to taking both the estrogen and testosterone blocker together, which won’t start until November. From speaking with people and researching online, I’m encouraged to hear that there likely won’t be landmark moments where huge changes take place, but rather landmark realizations that changes have already taken place without having noticed them happening. I’m comforted by the assurance that this is a gradual development over an extended period of time, which will allow me (as much as everyone around me) to take on board the changes as I slowly morph in to a more feminine version of myself. The only ‘landmark’ physical moment I’ve read about, which seems can happen as early as a few weeks into treatment and which I’m eagerly looking out for, is the appearance of pea-sized nodules behind the nipples, which is the start of breast development, and will cause the nipples to become hard and sensitive.
Many people who’ve taken this journey have reported little or no change in mental state which is also reassuring to me, but I read that it can cause a more emotional state of mind, much like going through puberty or maybe pregnancy, with tendencies to cry at random moments. In truth I’m a little scared of any change in mental state. I’m happy with the person I am and the reason I’ve embarked on this transformation is because I already feel feminine in my mind. I suppose it’s an adjustment, much like going through puberty is, with a new mix of hormones in the system which take getting used to, and if I experience this I hope it’ll calm down fairly quickly as I take the new mix on board and it becomes the norm.
I’d love to slide forward 3 years and see the results which will be evident by then, now. If I could, and the results were almost unperceivable, would I still go to the expense and medical risks involved with this process? As that’s not possible, to me it’s well worth doing. As much as I know what risks have been identified, there are no long term affects known for male to female hormone treatment as yet, with the process only just starting to become commonplace. I find myself in an age of pioneers, many younger than me but many much older too, testing the long term ground for gender blending – bravely putting it out there in pubic for it to become no longer feared or taboo. Like anything, it takes integration into existing society to be accepted, and I’m reminded of how alien the attitude towards single mothers was when I grew up in the 1970’s compared to it not being anything of note today. As we go forward, more and more data is collected from those who go through this process, both old and young, and the ground work done every day by medical professionals will make it an easier process of generations to come.
With genetic research, we are getting closer to parents being able to select the sexes of their children. With the increasing prevalence of transgendered people who take the action of changing their physical attributes and hormones to match their preferred gender, might we also be coming closer to an age where kids reaching puberty can elect to experience that having the freedom to chose the hormonal mix of the gender they would prefer to live their lives as?
I’m feeling hopeful and positive that this process will work well for me, and I’m lucky enough to have loving friends around me who support me and give me the strength I need. I just need to approach the family issue and make some clear decisions on how I intend to handle it. I’m currently thinking I should wait until my transformation has had some discernible affect before I decide how, when or even if and what I need to tell them.
Plenty to talk about in my counseling sessions, but with Anette (my psychiatrist) being on holiday, my next appointment isn’t until the end of October.