It’s been nearly 2 weeks since I had my first proper counseling session at NCS-Counseling, where I’d convinced myself to confess to my father in a letter than I’m transsexual, plan to change my body through hormone treatment and live my life 24/7 openly as a woman. By the end of that very weekend I had done a complete 360, and have felt fairly unsettled in my decision of what direction to go for the whole of last week. There were days when I thought I was going to cancel the hospital appointment, give up on the idea of changing my body in any way at all, especially through hormones, and not go to another counseling session to talk about it, because the location is a pain to get to anyway.
Thinking upon it further and in a better frame of mind than I was in last week, starting hormones doesn’t automatically dictate that I must present myself openly as a woman 24/7/365. In my best case scenario the noticeable physical changes as desired will be significant breast development (but typical expectations are usually no more than a B-cup) and over time re-positioning of my fat to give me hips and ass, as well as over years diminishing the muscle mass in my shoulders and upper body. While my look will be softer and more feminine so that I can be more passable, my general sense of style is fairly androgynous and I’m not going to suddenly start wearing pink filly dresses – not outside the bedroom anyway. I want the changes in my body to make me feel more at one with the inner me, and while it does bear relation to how I want to be perceived, it has more to do with how I want to feel than satisfying the viewing public. Starting hormones is a decision to appear feminine but as I feel feminine anyway, it won’t require as major a change to my current lifestyle as I’ve been thinking it will.
In truth, I do live my life as a woman the majority of the time now anyway. I’ve not had relationships with guys who see me as a guy for about 4 years now and whether I am made up and very femininely dressed, wearing something casual and ambiguous without makeup, or in boys jeans & a t-shirt, I remain female in my head and heart. There are times where I can’t be bothered to shave and while makeup and a beard works extremely well for Eurovision’s fabulous Conchita Wurst, I can’t pass it off as well as her. At work I wear a male uniform and find myself acting more masculine when wearing it, but I keep my hair and nails long and the masculine act feels just that; an act.
What was scaring me and making me want to cancel everything, was the big decision to live my life 24/7/365 as a woman, and have to explain that to my father. That just isn’t the case though, and as far as my father goes, we don’t really go for the confessional in our family. I know my Dad has an amazing capacity to accept things quite casually without needing to make it a Jerry Springer moment. I firmly believe that the less of a groundbreaking, life-changing, monumental upset to your preconceptions way in which it happens for him and the rest of my family, the more easily accepted it will be. He knows I’m girly. I’ve always dressed in my sister’s clothes ever since I was old enough to dress myself. It’s no surprise. I believe he will take it in his stride if I credit him with the maturity and capability to do so, and introduce it to him informally when he’s visiting at Christmas or before.
Any decision to live obviously as a woman 24/7 will affect every aspect of my life, including my professional life, and it’s a decision I can make in my own time, as I see how the changes affect my outlook and appearance.