Again sorry for my radio silence this last week. I’ve been in a bit of a state since Friday; off work sick and in a turbulent frame of mind.
I came out of my first proper counseling session last Thursday really confident and determined to set a date with Yanhee Hospital to begin my hormone treatment, and to write a letter to my Dad explaining it all to him. The following day while I was off sick, I made the appointment at the hospital for September 30th, wrote an in-depth letter to my father, which despite re-reading and being sure I was doing the right thing I decided to sleep on before sending.
I woke on Saturday with such doubt in my mind and feeling like a total fake. I was so certain that I wasn’t ready to face living my life full time as a woman yet and all which that entails, wanting to cancel my appointment with Yanhee and revisit the letter I wrote to my father. I didn’t take a look at the letter that day, but as I was feeling quite recovered after my heavy cold from the antibiotics prescribed, I decided to meet friends at Wine Connection in Central World for lunch, and go there as my female self.
I’ve often thought about going out during the day as Ashley, but had never yet done it. Getting ready and doing my makeup, I felt excited about the prospect. Dressed in a black knit blouse, skinny jeans and new 4”heel boots I was suddenly immensely nervous when it came time to call a taxi, as I live where I work, in a largely Western community and getting from my room to the taxi when it arrived would be a very pubic thing to do in broad daylight. I don’t know why it felt more challenging doing it in the day than after dark, and when the taxi did arrive, I almost sprinted for it, not looking around to see if any of my customers were nearby.
Sitting in awful traffic on the way to The Groove at Central World, I had a good hour and a half to mull things over in my head, and the feeling of liberation which heading out as a woman during the day gave me, lifted my mood somewhat. While part of the reason I was doing it was to show myself I could go out as a woman whenever and wherever I wanted without having to change my body, I knew I still desperately wanted to undergo hormone treatment to look as outwardly feminine as possible. I wanted particularly to get feminine hips and ass, smoother skin, thicker head hair and finer body hair; all of which aren’t hugely obvious to the casual observer. However, depending on the increase in breast size, it might mean having to explain it all to my father. I reasoned that while I’m not ready to live life 24/7 as a woman yet (and maybe never would be) changing my body through hormones would not require me to do so, with the effects being quite subtle at first. Given my age they may never be hugely pronounced, and could still then pick and choose where and when I doll myself up. (I don’t wear particularly masculine clothes anyway these days.)
During the taxi ride I resolved to edit the letter, which had gone in to detail about transitioning to live my life as the woman I feel, to something less impactful on the image my father has of me and paint a picture.
Today (Tuesday) I’m back at work after my absence and have actually, this lunch break, taken a look at the letter I wrote although I’ve not attempted to edit it yet. It may be just as easy to write a new one. As I feel today, I don’t know if I’ll keep my hospital appointment on 30th. I don’t know if I’ll start hormones. I don’t know if I’ll find a way to explain things to my father, or even if I’m ready to. All I do know is that I need counseling and I’m glad I’m getting it, with my next session being the evening before my scheduled hospital appointment.